When I was a kid, a teacher once told me that if I ever got mad at someone, I should go home and punch a pillow.
This is the first theory I ever remember recognizing as bullshit the second I heard it.
If someone got me angry, I didn't want to punch a pillow. I wanted to punch them. If anything, punching a pillow only made me angrier because nothing happened.
I remember realizing that the point was to drain the anger out of myself, when in reality, it just stirred it up.
Lately, having to bite my tongue when I want to say something nasty to someone in response to something they've said feels like the equivalent of punching the pillow.
Keeping it contained doesn't feel good, but I can't mouth off either or I'm in violation of my project.
So instead, I've decided to imagine what I would say to the person given the chance, write it down, and keep it in a steadily growing manila envelope.
Every once in awhile, I take out what I've written and marvel at how unbelievably ridiculous I can be sometimes. Lately, I've taken to writing down what my response was intended for, and it's amazing how often I blow things out of proportion.
Admittedly in the moment, writing down what I want to say still feels like punching the pillow, but it at least gets the words out of my head, and puts them somewhere where they can't hurt anybody's feelings.
Maybe when this is all over I'll burn the envelope and dance around the bonfire like Sandra Bullock and Betty White in The Proposal.
...Or maybe I'll just hang onto it.
If it gets any thicker, it's going to make a really nice pillow.
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