Day #41: Mother's Love

Somehow I knew the biggest obstacle in my "nice" project was going to be not losing my temper with a certain person.

MOM: You're not eating enough.

Guess who?

MOM: Ryan, put on a new shirt.

My mother has a bad habit.

MOM: David, this is your mother. You were going too fast when you drove away from the house the other day. Slow down. And get a haircut.

She nags.

I decided that as part of my "nice" journey, perhaps I could get her to find a nicer way to try and improve our lives with her...unsolicited advice.

Her response?

MOM: This is your project. I'm a bitch. Now eat some more.

Of course I couldn't leave it at that.

RYAN: If you take this on, you're going to lose your temper.
ME: I'm almost halfway through the project. I think I know how to keep myself in check by now.
MOM: That shirt doesn't fit you.
ME: Actually Mom, it fits me fine.
MOM: It's too tight.
ME: Nooo, it fits. If it were bigger, it wouldn't fit.
MOM: It's tight.
ME: Tight means it fits.
MOM: Nooo, it means it's tight.
ME: Nooo, it means I refuse to look like M.C. Hammer.
RYAN: I can see the blood vessels starting to burst.

I had to remember to breathe.

ME: Mom, the nagging isn't helping.
MOM: Excuse me?
ME: The nagging. You nag. You have three boys--two of whom are legal adults--and you still talk to us as if we're going to do everything you say as soon as you say it and just because you say it.
RYAN: That's right. Remind her I'm the only one she has the right to control. Thanks.

My Mom smiled.

That means she's about to feed.

MOM: I nag because I'm your mother and I love you.
ME: You could say things nicely and still be our mother and love us.
MOM: But then you wouldn't listen.
ME: We don't listen now, so what's the difference?
MOM: The difference is I'm your mother. Not your friend.
ME: My friends aren't nice to me either!

Kidding, kidding!

MOM: I've been this way forever. This is just how I am.
ME: So you've decided that since you're in your late--
MOM: Mid!
ME: --Forties--you have decided that you're just set for life?
MOM: Pretty much.
ME: Wow, what a wonderful life lesson to teach your children. Make it to forty, then stop right where you are.

That was when my mother stormed off to her bedroom to look at photos of us as children back when we were all shorter than her.

So much for inspiring kindness.

RYAN: You could have solved that with one sentence.
ME: Oh yeah? What's the sentence?
RYAN: You're turning into Grandma.

Now why didn't I think of that?