Day #6: Family Time

I decided that I needed to be more active when it comes to being nice.

What better place to start than with my own family?

MOM: What do you mean you're being nice?

I probably should have known better.

ME: I want to know what you'd like me to do for you.
MOM: I'm confused.
ME: Something nice.
MOM: Why are you being nice?
ME: Aren't I always nice?
MOM: Is that a trick question?

And you wonder why this whole "nice" project has been a challenge.

ME: I just want to do something nice for you.
MOM: Can you stop doing those shows where you swear and talk about sex?
ME: ...How about I just take you to a movie?
MOM: Can we see Charlie St. Cloud?
ME: Not a chance.
MOM: I thought you had to be nice?
ME: That's not being nice. That's killing your own brain cells.
MOM: Why don't you just call your brother?
ME: I can do something nice for you and him.
MOM: Tell him to stop fighting with me about moving out. That'll be your good deed.

My brother decided to move out of my parent's house, and it's been an issue of contention. I've always been good at being the mediator in the family, so I figured this was the perfect challenge for me.

DAVID: She's an evil shrew.

This is my brother David.

ME: I'm not allowed to say mean things about people.
DAVID: We're not talking about a normal person here. We're talking about Mom.
ME: She can be a little forceful with her love.
DAVID: She told me that if I move out of the house she'll throw herself into the lake.
ME: She's an Irish mother. That's what they do when their children grow up.
DAVID: So what do you want me to do?
ME: Stop fighting with her.
DAVID: Tell her to stop nagging at me.
ME: That's like telling an ostrich to stop being awkward.
DAVID: That's your problem.

I could see I was going to need a little help with this one.

GRANDMA: I just finished framing your review!
ME: That's sweet of you.
GRANDMA: I didn't even know you were in 'Little Shop of Horrors!'
ME: ...Um, I'm not.
GRANDMA: Yes, you are. I'm looking right at you.
ME: I don't know who you're looking at, but I'm not in 'Little Shop.' I've never been in 'Little Shop.'
GRANDMA: Well, who the hell is this in my scrapbook then?
ME: I couldn't tell you.
GRANDMA: Oh well, too late now.
ME: Grandma, I need you to tell Mom to back off David about moving out.
GRANDMA: David's moving out?
ME: Yeah.
GRANDMA: Your mother never tells me anything!
ME: Well, he's moving out and--
GRANDMA: She's going to hear about this!
ME: No, I don't want you to yell at her. I want you to reason with--
GRANDMA: I'll call you back!

Five minutes later.

MOM: You ratted me out to your grandmother?
ME: Ma--
MOM: You call that being nice?
ME: I didn't know you didn't tell her David was moving out!
MOM: Because she'd say he was right!
ME: Because he is!
MOM: ALL MY SONS HATE ME!
ME: WE DON'T HATE YOU WE JUST DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU.

. . . . .

MOM: I'm going for a drive.
ME: YOU BETTER NOT BE GOING TO THE LAKE!

How did being nice end up with me screaming at my mother not to pull a Virginia Woolf?