My grandmother decided to pick a fight with Mrs. Rothschild.
ME: Who's Mrs. Rothschild?
MOM: This woman who goes to Bingo with your grandmother and me.
ME: And why did she pick a fight with her?
She picked a fight with her because Mrs. Rothschild's son does theater.
ME: So? Lots of people do theater.
MOM: He's also a writer.
ME: Lots of people who do theater also write.
MOM: He's doing a monologue show.
...What?
Apparently, Mrs. Rothschild's son (Tommy) wrote a monologue show and is performing it in Massachusetts.
GRANDMA: ...And she tells me and your mother this at bingo like it's nothing!
ME: It's just a coincidence.
GRANDMA: We told her you do these shows, and suddenly her son writes one? COPYCAT!
ME: Well, it really is nothing, I mean--
GRANDMA: Cut the crap, kid. You know you're pissed!
Okay, I admit I was a little...perturbed. It's not uncommon in theater to have someone do something with good results only to have everybody else follow suit.
That being said, it's not like I can claim ownership over the idea of a monologue show.
MOM: Of course you can! Who else does them?
ME: Mike Daisy does, sort of. Anna Deveare-Smith does. Eric Bogosian did.
MOM: Are these people you know?
ME: If only, mother. If only.
MOM: Then they're copycats too!
ME: They did it before m!
MOM: But you're the best.
ME: Mom, these people have AWARDS!
MOM: YOU HAVE AN AWARD!
ME: I'M TALKING ABOUT PULITZERS!
MOM: NEVER MIND! I'LL NEVER STICK UP FOR YOU AGAIN!
Click.
GRANDMA: Your mother's right.
ME: Mom says you were a bad mother.
GRANDMA: About this. She's right about this. You're gifted and now hacks are trying to follow in your footsteps. I think you should sue.
ME: Grandma, that's very sweet, but if people want to do their own monologue shows, I'm certainly in no position to stop them. It just means I have to work harder to stand out.
GRANDMA: Or you could sue.
ME: Sue for what?
GRANDMA: Emotional distress.
ME: But I'm not emotionally distressed!
GRANDMA: BUT I AM!
My grandmother conceded that I shouldn't sue Tommy Rothschild, but she did suggest that I do something big so she can rub it in his mother's face.
ME: Like what?
GRANDMA: How about a play where people actually talk to each other?
ME: You mean like 'The Iceman Cometh?'
GRANDMA: I didn't say it had to be dirty.
ME: It's...never mind.
GRANDMA: I mean, I'd still go to see it, obviously--
Maybe I should head up to Massachusetts and see Tommy's show.
You know, to support him, because I'm nice...and stuff.
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