Day #23: The Family Feud

I had a little problem today.

MOM: You're against the family.

I turned against my family.

Well, not exactly.

MOM: That's exactly what you're doing.

My family goes to my Aunt Nancy's cook-out every year, and we all hate it. Aunt Nancy isn't my real aunt, she's my grandmother's friend, and she's...well...

RYAN: She's insane.
DAVID: She's creepy.
MOM: She's the devil. We're not going.

Aunt Nancy is, in fact, loud and abrasive. The nice thing is, she treats us like we're her own family. The problem is she treats her family like they're extended staff.

This year, my mom and brothers conspired to lie and say we were going on vacation in order to miss Aunt Nancy's barbecue, but since I'm being nice, I decided that wouldn't be right.

ME: We have to go to the barbecue.
RYAN: How do you figure?
ME: She's nice enough to invite us. It's only one day out of the year. She won't be around much longer.
DAVID: God willing.
ME: We're going.
RYAN, DAVID: No, we're not.

I thought my mother would back me up on this. She's always been the voice of reason in my family.

MOM: That woman gives me hives. We're not going.
ME: Ma, what about doing the right thing?
MOM: The right thing to do would be to throw that woman in oncoming traffic.
ME: Well, I'm going to the barbecue.
MOM: You can't!
ME: Why not?
MOM: I told her we were ALL on vacation together.
ME: So say I changed my mind.
RYAN: Then you're going to have to lie and say we are on vacation.
ME: Well, I can't do that either. That wouldn't be nice.
DAVID: So what are you going to do?
ME: Throw you all under the bus?
RYAN: Oh, and that's nice?
DAVID: Way to betray your family.
ME: Ma, are you hearing this?
MOM: It's like I don't even know you.

Don't worry. She said the same thing when she found out I watch General Hospital.

ME: This woman has been very good to us.
RYAN: Last year she threw me into the pool, and called me Monkey Face.
DAVID: She calls me Slow.
MOM: And I'm Vanessa. Don't ask me who the hell Vanessa is.
ME: It doesn't matter. We're going.

Suddenly, there I was--facing down my family. They were all standing in a line just like the Corleones.

DAVID: We have ways of making you stay quiet.
ME: You can't hurt me, I'm family.
RYAN: So is Aunt Nancy.
ME: I'm biological family. You may need a kidney someday.
MOM: Kevin, I want you to think about this. Think about your priorities. You're supposed to protect your family.
ME: Mom, you're starting to sound like a fat New Jersey Housewife, and you know how I feel about those people. Now if you'll excuse me.

My brother Ryan tried blocking me, so I got him in a headlock, which incited my brother David to try tackling me to the floor, while my mother slapped at any part of us she could reach as we tumbled around in the living room.

That was when my stepfather came home.

DAVE: So are we going to Aunt Nancy's this year?

Don't worry.

I've not yet begun to fight.