In some ways, deciding to be nice is a little bit like giving something up.
I've heard that the hardest part of giving up smoking or drinking for some people is having to be around people who haven't given up smoking or drinking.
At some point during this process, I realize--Ohhh, I'm the only one obligated to be nice. Everybody else can be a jerk.
...That sucks.
And it does, folks, it does.
Because sometimes being nice is a little bit like someone poking you in the chest and knowing you can't haul off and clock them.
It's difficult.
For example, when I posted my piece on the Rutgers suicide on Open Salon.com, I got a lot of flack--mostly from middle-aged straight women, disagreeing with me on my opinion.
Of course, it's fine that they disagree with me, and most were civil about it, but when they started posting comments beginning with the phrase--
"As a young gay man in the closet, this young man must have felt..."
That's when I had to say something.
I would never presume, as a man, to understand what it is like to be a woman. I have never commented on a post about abortion by writing "As a young pregnant girl, this young woman must have felt..." because that is a very specific experience I have never had, nor will I ever.
Being a gay man, in or out of the closet, is a specific experience. When I commented back by saying, "I am not okay with a bunch of straight women telling me what it's like to be a closet case, or what that sort of torment is" all I was saying was, comment if you like on what it's like to be bullied, to be discriminated against, to be the victim of sexism, to be anything you want--just don't comment on a specific experience you have not had.
To be fair, I pulled the gay card. I absolutely pulled it. I wasn't trying to speak for every gay man or woman, I was just saying that I personally wasn't interested in what these women had to say about being gay since, you know, they're not. Fair enough, I thought.
That's when the mean lesbian from Iowa showed up.
She goes by the name of Safe Bet's Amy, and to be honest, I've always had a distaste for people who use what sound like AIM names as their Open Salon name. If you're going to state an opinion, put your name behind it or don't bother stating it.
SBA was pretty damn mad about my comment to the straight gals, and she let me know it.
Now, she could have called me out on using the gay card, or what I said, or my opinion, but instead she just chose to call names.
Her profile lists her as being a mother, so imagine my horror when she called me "prissy" and "queer." Are those terms a mother and a fellow gay person should be throwing around? I didn't think so.
She also called me misogynist--another term I don't think you should label someone with unless you actually have something to back it up. I didn't think my comment was anti-women, it was anti-anybody talking about something they haven't experienced.
I didn't know what to do.
Engage her in conversation? Try to make her see my point of view? Or at least chastise her for being so rude?
Where was that going to get me? Clearly, this was a woman with her armor on 24/7, and I wasn't going to be getting her to take down that shield.
And did I even want to justify what she had said with a response?
Then of course there was the part of me that just wanted to say "Go build a treehouse in your cornfield, you dumb bitch."
Then I thought, Yes Kevin, that's a great idea. Let's insult lesbians, people from the Midwest, AND toss out the word 'bitch' when she just called you a misogynist. That'll really show how wrong she is about you.
Instead, I deleted her comment.
Maybe it wasn't proactive. Maybe it was the chicken way out. Maybe it was even bordering on rude, but it effectively eliminated the situation and allowed me to stick up for myself without getting into an online brawl with someone.
Yes, I have chosen to be nice, and the world has not. I've given up a bad habit, and I didn't say--"But only when everyone else is being nice to me!" What's the challenge there?
For the next thirty-seven days, I have to learn to exist in a not-always-nice world.
But just so we're clear, just because other people are still drinking, smoking, and being a**holes--
It doesn't mean they're allowed to do it in my house.
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