This might be what you call "final exam time."
I have to see how nice I can be in situations that would normally beg for me to be a catty bitch.
So, I gathered a group of friends together so they could read me some of the most infuriating literature on Earth.
Namely, Facebook statuses.
Relationships
BRIAN: Okay, this one is from some girl named Carly.
ME: I don't know a Carly.
BRIAN: You're friends with her on Facebook.
ME: That means nothing, but continue.
BRIAN: 'So in love with my boyfriend. Happy One Month, Baby!'
ME: She thinks she's in love with him after one month?
BRIAN: Yup.
ME: Um...you know, she's probably young, and--
BRIAN: She's twenty-five.
ME: Some people fall in love quickly.
BRIAN: She was in a relationship with someone else last month.
ME: I'm glad she's happy.
BRIAN: A+, moving on.
Politics
NICK: This is from a guy named Chris.
ME: Shoot.
NICK: 'Sooo happy the Republicans have the House. Things are going to be great again!'
ME: Okay, well, everyone's entitled to their own political beliefs.
NICK: One of his friends commented by saying--'Democrats can suck my--you know.'
ME: I'm not going to indulge in online fighting with people who choose to use that sort of language.
NICK: Chris responded by saying--'Yeah, they can! All Democrats suck anyways.'
ME: Again, not going to get involved.
NICK: Apparently Chris is gay.
ME: WHAT?!?!
Religion
SCOOTER: Some girl named Elise says--'Thank you Jesus for teaching me to love others.'
ME: She sounds like a lovely girl.
SCOOTER: Not finished.
ME: No, of course you're not.
SCOOTER: 'Even gay people, who are so confused.'
ME: She sounds a bit...misguided, but those are her beliefs.
SCOOTER: Then she posted a photo of Christ healing the gays.
ME: Okay, give me the laptop.
SCOOTER: Why?
ME: I just want to...wish her a good day.
SCOOTER: Yeah, I don't think so.
ME: Scooter--
SCOOTER: Kev, you look kind of--
ME: GIVE ME THE STUPID COMPUTER SO I CAN TELL THE WACKO WHERE TO PUT HER HEALING HANDS, YOU JACKASS!
. . . . .
Okay, I still have six more days.
Don't give up yet.
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